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Fatherhood

By Becca

Chapter 1: Joyce | Chapter 2: Jem | Chapter 3: Walter

Chapter 1: Joyce

Disclaimer: They don’t belong to me; they belong to the genius L.M. Montgomery and her family. This story is just the flight of fancy of a poor college student. Any comments can be sent to beccaboo1013@hotmail.com. Kindredly, Becca

I cannot believe what I'm hearing, what I'm feeling. Pure joy washes over me. I want to pick Anne up and twirl her around the garden. However, I must settle for waltzing her down the path. I see my own feelings mirrored in Anne's eyes. Parents. Such a simple word, yet it means so much. Anne and I are going to be parents. A little human being is growing inside Anne. Hers and mine. I touch Anne's still slim stomach, ever so carefully. At any other time, I wouldn't have been worried about hurting a baby by touching the mother. But now, I'm not the doctor, I'm the father! Anne takes my face in her hands, forcing my eyes to look up from their fixed position at her torso.

"You're happy, right, Gil?" She needs to be reassured.

"Of course I'm happy. This is one of the happiest moments in my life," and as it has forever, my wife's smile lights up my world.

****

Every day she grows. Every day I am one day closer to being able to hold my child. Anne is glowing. I never thought that Anne could be more beautiful, but she grows more so each day. Anne is going to be a wonderful mother. She raised an entire family before she was eleven and then there were the twins. It's me I'm worried about. Sure, I taught school for two years, but that's not the same. I never even had any siblings. I voice my concerns to Anne. She smiles at me and says nothing at first. She kisses me, God, her kisses are so sweet. She then takes my hands and places them on her stomach, and looks into my eyes with her gorgeous grey-green ones. She still doesn't say anything and then I feel it. My child kicked! My child moved! It was then that Anne spoke.

"If you could look into your eyes now, you would know."

I know, I believe. I may not be the perfect father, but Anne and I are going to give this child the most loving home any child could imagine. And if it is truly Anne's child, she'll be able to imagine a lot.

****

I'm praying for a girl, one exactly like Anne. Anne says she doesn't care what the baby's gender is, as long as it doesn't have red hair. In private moments, however, she tells me that her mother's intuition says it's a girl. I hope she's right.

****

Anne's time is coming near. She can no longer venture far from the house.

She despises it. I sympathize with her, but I hate to leave the house on calls. I'm terrified I'm going to miss something important. I don't plan on delivering my child. Anne says that she wants to hold my hand. I doubt I could have been the doctor in any case. I can't bear to see Anne hurting, even on the level of a paper cut. I don't want to imagine how hard the birth is going to be, but now, I won't think of horrible things, only of the happiness that is sure to follow. As I watch my wife sleep with a smile on her face, I think of the luck that Anne and I have had in our lives. Anne shifts towards me in her sleep and nuzzles her head into my chest. It's time to sleep for the night.

****

I am awakened by a sound that painfully pierces my ears.

"Gil!" she screams.

"I'll have Susan call Dr. Dave."

I tell myself that this is the last time I will leave Anne's side until this is over. I hold her hand and brush her hair from her forehead, anything to soothe her. She smiles at me between the contractions.

"It's no worse than when I broke my ankle. Besides, I have something amazing to get me through this." That woman never ceases to surprise me. She manages to make everything in life something to smile about.

****

She told me to call Dr. Dave almost five hours ago. When we agreed I wasn't going to deliver the baby, it was because I wanted to be the father, not the doctor. However, by the way that Anne is squeezing my hand, I think she just wants me to hurt with her.

This is taking too long. I know first births take longer than the later ones, as a rule, but this is too long. Occasionally I see motion outside the window, and I know that it's Marilla pacing. She's as worried as I am. I manage to catch Dr. Dave's eye after one glance at the window and what I see rips me to the core. I've had that look in my eyes before. I know that if this last much longer, I'm going to lose my family.

It's almost dawn. The agony has lasted all night. Anne's screams stab at my ears like a knife one last time. Our daughter is here. Anne and I are parents. Anne's face shines with pure happiness as our little Joyce is placed in her arms. I turn away. Tears fill my eyes. Anne has pulled through. She is no longer in danger. For that I am grateful, but I cannot smile for I know something that Anne does not. I have seem my daughter and my heart filled with love and sorrow at the same time. I love my daughter, but I know she won't live to see tomorrow's dawn.

"Come here Gil, meet your daughter."

I wipe away the tears that have fallen on my cheeks before I turn towards to her. I sit on the edge of the bed. She hands me my daughter. She's do tiny and so beautiful. Her eyes are her mother's and I love her. I try to pull away emotionally, knowing what I do, but I can't. I've fallen in love with her faster than I did with Anne. I kiss both their heads and hand Joy back to Anne.

"She's perfect." I tell Anne something she already believes and leave to go tell Marilla and Susan.

I must look awful, for I've been to hell and back tonight. I thought for one agonizing night that I was going to lose my wife. As I walk down the halls of my I home the next morning, I know that I am going to lose my infant daughter.

Both women are relieved that Anne is through the worst. Susan went to busy herself with cooking. I look at Marilla and can tell that Marilla knows. My face hides nothing. How could it? I'm losing my daughter.

****

Marilla came in to see the baby at Anne's request. Anne is so happy. Just as she has done throughout her life, she ran headlong into motherhood. She can't see the looks on the faces of everyone in the room. She doesn't notice that our baby doesn't cry.

The nurse leaves and the we're alone. The nurse took the baby with her. Anne and I were parents for one wonderful day, but in the evening we will mourn. I know as I look at Anne one last time before I turn to the window that she knows. In her heart, she knows. And I feel helpless, I can't comfort her. I fear that if I move or speak my heart will crumble and my legs will collapse. She then asks me, with anguish in her voice, is the baby was going to live. I can't turn around. It's so hard to make my legs move. I know the second I turn to face her, Anne will know. Taking a deep breath I pivot on one heel and move to take Anne's hand. I look straight into her eyes for the first time since Joy was born and her cries tear my heart in two.

****

Cornelia Bryant brings Joyce in to the room that Anne and I have sat in with our grief. Anne is still too weak to get out of bed. When we are once again alone, I bring our baby girl over to the bed. Our tears are silent ones as I sit next to her. I hold my wife and I hold my daughter. My family as it is for the only time I ever can.

****

Joy was buried today, in a tiny casket, in a tiny grave and a tiny white dress. Anne cried all last night and I know she will tonight. I'm supposed to be the strong one, only crying when I know she can't see me, but, God, I hurt too! It's like a hole is in my heart and it's never going to close. A piece of me was buried today and tonight I will grieve. Tonight I won't be strong. Only Anne will ever know the utter and complete pain I am feeling right now and I cannot comfort her because I cannot comfort myself.

****

At times I envy Anne. She can stay and home and shut out the world. I want to shut out the world too, but I have to do so while functioning in it.

I have to attend to patients and smile at them and I hate it. I hate it that they're happy. I hate it that it hurts to smile. I hate it that I feel that I've lost my wife along with my daughter. She was the one who could make all the horrible things in the world disappear. A woman that I never thought could be bitter about what life has handed her, is.

Marilla tries to comfort us both, but it doesn't help. I'm so afraid that if both of us don't get out of this depression soon, I'm going to lose Anne.

****

We have always been a couple who could communicate about anything. Anne and I could debate, spar, discuss or chat with the best of them, but ever since... ever since Joy, it is like we are afraid of breaking each other. I almost lost Anne that fateful night. I will not lose her slowly to the 'depths of despair.'

****

It is long past midnight when I finally resign myself to the fact that I am not going to be sleeping tonight. I turn and see my wife's face illuminated by the moonlight. Her eyes sparkle with unshed tears, a trait that seems to be a permanent part of her appearance as of late.

"Anne," I start cautiously, not touching her.

"Oh, Gil, would you stop! I'm not going to break."

"But I'm afraid that I might."

"Oh Gil, I've been so absorbed in my own grief, I didn't think of you. Oh, Gil, dearest Gil, it has been you that has kept me here. I want to live and be happy again, for you, if no one else."

"Live for yourself too, Anne. I do."

"We're going to make it through this together."

"Yes, we will."

"Oh, Gil, I miss her so much."

"I do to Anne, but it is God's plan. I know that you don't want to hear that from yet another person. Heaven knows that I don't. We have to live for our friends and family and each other. We will love Joy always, but you were meant to be a mother. We will have more children and this experience will only help us to love them more."

Anne says nothing, just buries her head into my chest and cries. I kiss the top of her head, and try to make myself believe the words I had just uttered. My own tears mixed with her own as we cried ourselves to sleep.

Chapter 2: Jem

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